It’s been a difficult past month professionally, academically, financially and socially. I’ve surprised myself with what I’ve been able to accomplish , with the challenges which have been in my way . But its not all unicorns and rainbows . As I sit here trying to bring myself to write the last 500 words of my Marketing Management essay for my Masters, a million other unrelated thoughts, memories and questions are popping into my head.
Why am I here in this exact moment of my life? Why didn’t things work out with that guy I dated 5 years ago? How can I brew my own cider? I wonder how fast I can complete a 100km hike. Why didn’t I stick with that goal? Why aren’t I training anymore? Why did I quit that job? What do I have to do to be where I want to be?
So many useless pondering thoughts, mostly negative, when really I should be focusing on the subject at hand. I feel as though it comes down to forgiving or moving on. I keep reliving memories in the past, happy and sad memories. Memories I wish I could take myself back to, and some I wish never happened. Everyone does it, we reminisce on the good times and try to forget the bad. For me it’s been conscious, mindfulness work and definitely not easy at all. It’s hard to forgive yourself when you’re still stuck in what could have been or what should have been.
C-PTSD is something I’ve spoken briefly about being diagnosed with in previous blogs. It’s definitely tough. It’s like trying to push memories to the back of your mind yet they keep popping up when you don’t want them to, and you’re instantly taken back to that moment in time. I just wish it wouldn’t come up at the most inconvenient of times , but there is no controlling it , It has no boundaries or sense of time , it’s just there as a permanent reminder of things you wish you could forget . For me eventually manifesting in the sense of wanting to run away , be free and start over in a new place , isolated and far far away.
It’s come too breaking point more recently, I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to forgive and I’m ready to forget the people and the memories which have been holding me back. It’s not like I can switch it off or cure myself but I can take a stand and try to master my own mind and energy. Time to switch off that little voice in your head that never tells you that you are good enough, but instead questions everything.
Well FUCK YOU .
F you to that guy I dated 5 years ago who broke my heart, F you to the once friends, F you to societies ideals on how a woman should look or behave, and most of all F you to all my regrets. You’ll no longer take up space in my mind or weigh down my thoughts.
I am who I am now in this very moment, not 2 years ago (like it or not). I’m where I need to be, right in this very moment for a reason. I don’t know why or how or for what but I am. Forgiveness ties right in with acceptance for me, accepting the past, mending that broken heart or bruised ego and moving onto the next page. It’s like reading a book, if you keep re-reading the first chapter and not turn to the next, you’ll never get to the happy ending.
So here’s to starting my happy ending – no pun intended .
Lesson 31 – Forgive , Mend and Move on . You’ll wish in a few years you hadn’t wasted so much energy on negative things which you ponder on now .