How can one little word give so much meaning and thought to one’s life and actions. Forgiveness is something I’ve been putting a lot of effort into the last few months. Not just forgiveness of others but forgiveness of oneself.
At the start of my journey, I was angry. Angry at all the people in my past who had done wrong by me, hurt me and abused me. I was angry at myself for letting them & had been using self-destruction as a mechanism to mask my pain and anger. This was hurting no one but myself.
I had to slowly learn to work through the anger and emotions I had bottled up inside me for years. I bottled these emotions and feelings up because I didn’t have the tools or support in place to be able to deal with them in a constructive way. Id ponder on the hate and never see the positives in my experiences. I never wanted to be the victim, I never wanted people to see me in a vulnerable state. What I’ve learnt is being a victim doesn’t make you vulnerable, it makes you stronger. This for me was a lesson I only learnt once I let the emotions out.
Forgiveness is not something that happens instantly, for me it takes a lot of thought, talking and in some cases actions. I realised letting anger build up inside me by not forgiving myself and others was only adding weight to my own shoulders. Once this was released I felt like a new person, like a baby just baptised into faith. I started to see the kindness and reality in life once again. I began to love myself and others once more, as I was born to do.
The feeling of anger for me builds up in my chest, like someone has a hold of my sternum and is firmly grasping the top of my rib cage. It’s a physical pain that would constantly stay with me. As soon as I start to feel the pain, I tell myself to just breathe, I use the breathing techniques I practice in yoga and the anxiety breathing techniques my therapist taught me. I remind myself of the beautiful people I have in my life now and let go of the past and the dark days, for if we dwell in the past we can never have a future. I mentally take myself to a place of calm, which often involves bright colours and soft sounds. Often picturing the beach on a bright summer’s day, the waves crashing in the background and try to feel relaxation taking over my body. I envision a rip taking my burdens and ill feelings out to sea never , making it in back through the wave break.
What have I learnt about letting go? Be mindful of others, they may be going through just as much as you. Forgive them for their wrong doings, forgive yourself for whatever actions or thoughts which maybe holding you back. Give yourself to the world honestly and openly so that you may never hold regret or anger.
Lesson 9 : Forgive , Let go , Move on .