66 Days Sober.
So on my last blog, I touched on my issues on substance abuse through the years .
My trip to rehabilitation was more than just for substance abuse, it was for behavioural issues & my mental state as well. Addiction is more than just abuse of substances. Addiction in my case also led me to continue to repeat dangerous habits and behaviours without getting to the root cause.
I never understood why I would feel differently to others, why id continue relationships with non-committal men who we completely wrong for me. Why I had a sugar addiction and why I was self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana.
I had hit a new rock bottom, I lost the things that meant the most to me . I felt alone , even though I wasn’t . On the outside I was a successful woman with strength and courage but on the inside I was dying a little each day , fighting to continue to put up a strong face .
For the first time in my adult life I felt depressed, overwhelmed with the worst thoughts going through my head. My Anxiety had hit an all-time high and my PTSD was giving me insomnia . I was scared to go to sleep at the thought of having another night terror .
The one thing that changed from my last episode was that I had the support of great people around me that I felt comfortable to reach out too . So after a few days of consistent crying and contemplating life, I decide to drag myself to the one man in my life who I trust with my life. This man has guided me on the path of sobriety and answers . He kept me fighting in a moment of complete darkness when I thought I was alone , and if he reads this I hope he knows how appreciative I am. I truly owe him my life for helping me find the answers and experiences I needed. In return I hope talking about my experience openly and honestly helps someone else reach out and ask for help .
Although I have a lot of great people in my life the feeling of trust for me is different to most. It manifests its self as a physical feeling deep in my stomach and a shiver at the back of my shoulders. Letting go of my ego and admitting I needed help after being independent for so long is now the most important action I feel I’ve taken as an adult.
It took every bit of courage and life left I had in me to admit I wasn’t coping and that I needed help , at the time I felt like my world was exploding , but this step is what started my path to recovery .
Upon entering recovery , I got to see the worst of the worst. Enough for me to reassess my path and become honest and open about getting help. I encountered all sorts from, methadone and ice addicts to people with gambling additions. I also met some pretty amazing people while being locked away in what seemed like a friendly prison. I formed some bonds with others during group therapies that I’ll never forget. I suddenly saw appreciation for my life and knew I needed to change my direction immediately. I decided to accept any help I could get which consisted of Medications and therapy.
Talk Therapy, Visualization techniques, EMDR, Music Therapy, Yoga ( and lots of it ! ) Anti-depressants and Anxiety medication were worked into a program for me over the course of 2 weeks. I finally was able to let go of the pain of my past and find ways and techniques to deal with my issues and condition in the future.
It was through these therapies my team of wonderful psychiatrists and psychologist started to realise that my brain was wired a little differently to others.
Why I see colours for numbers and objects and patterns for music, why when I thought about emotions I physically feel the emotion. Some emotions induced uncontrollable sensations to the point id find myself whaling with tears on the ground and fainting. Rehab was painful, physically and emotionally but I wouldn’t trade my experience as it’s made me grow and lead me on the path I am now. Back to God , Back to Sobriety , honesty and truth .
I never understood why my moods and emotions were different to others. Why people could never understand the way I was feeling. Why I would react in a certain way when others didn’t. I always just though I was very empathic, so the first time I heard “synesthesia“ , I needed to google it. The first thing that came up was ” brain condition ” , ” neurological disorder ” but this couldn’t be further from the truth . I have a gift of feeling and i will dedicate my time toward understanding it .
What followed rehab was a series of brain scans and test to ensure the diagnosis was correct. The thought of another mis-diagnosis made my skin crawl so this time I was willing to put in the work for the right answers. Even if that meant people judging me, I started to care less about other opinions and more about my own health and well-being.
Finally I had answers, finally all the urges for destructive behaviors disappeared.
I wasn’t crazy , I wasn’t psychic or psychotic , I just have synesthesia . I simply feel things differently to others and that’s ok.
Its ok to ask for help, its ok to get therapy … and its ok not to be ok .
Its ok to forgive and heal .
Knowledge and understanding can shed so much light onto ones questions.
Lesson 2: It’s not who you know , it’s what you know .